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| Sometimes things just don't work out. This is a truth that I seem to learn over and over again. Maybe it's just because I'm no longer sure if I'm on a path. Maybe it's just because the path is so overgrown that I can no longer see where I'm stepping, but I seem to be far from any kind of material blessings of late. Whatever the case is, I am finding myself in a place that I swore I would never be again. Completely dependent on something other than myself. I know that it's hard for most people to understand the sheer enormity of this in my life. Because, as Christians, we aren't supposed to be independent. We aren't supposed to fend for ourselves.
For me, not being able to rely on myself is like sticking my heart with thousands of shiny daggers and watching it bleed without any clue of how to make it stop. Being insufficient to do it myself is a slow and painful dying.
And yet... I am here again and it hurts in ways that I don't know how to describe. It rips apart the very fabric that I have built my life and my trust upon. Misplaced trust in myself, but that doesn't make it any harder to lose.
It is good. I know this because I know that Pain is the mother of Comfort and the grandmother of Healing and they will be my companions in this quest for life. Yet, my eyes are weary from tears and this rain shows no signs of stopping. | | |
| Confession: I am totally that girl who grabs two handfuls of mints before leaving the restaurant. I have even, on occasion, considered dropping them all into my purse.
I am not ashamed of this. They're free. So am I. | | |
| I was thinking the other day about how most people make resolutions to do things that are good...and incredibly serious. Like get over the boy they have been dwelling on, join a gym and lose 30 pounds or become debt free.
Therefore, I have decided to make some ridiculous and frivolous goals that are pointless to attain for this year (I realize that it's a little late for new year's resolutions, but I could care less. I'll do what I want.)
1)learn to play the harmonica.
2)get a sweet tattoo.
3)learn all the words to "We didn't start the fire" by Billy Joel.
There you have it. | | |
| little hobbits, here I come.
Goodbye America, I will see you again soon.
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| Wow. Sometimes a long time passes without my even realizing it. I feel kind of like a new person these days, although no one would know it. I'm reading books again, and sustaining many waking dreams. Taking walks and reading beautiful poetry. Painting on occasion. I have discovered that it is a lot harder to get paint all over yourself than you would realize. Even if it is your greatest desire to be the girl covered in paint, it almost never happens unless on purpose. Strange truth about life. I put up my trampoline yesterday and crunched my shoulder into a state of constant soreness. After setting up the whole thing by myself, I managed to get caught unaware mid-flip and landed 80% on my right shoulder. It was great, except for the fact that I think I might be getting too old to keep doing that much. Looking forward to seeing Liz, Chaunisty and Emily in 3-ish days. Ah, glorious day. ...and that is all I have to say for now. | | |
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